Police on my Back or Election Wrap-up Article

You may think it's strange for someone like me, who thinks the entire election was a farce, to volunteer my time with the Campus Vote Coalition. You would be right. I had no intention of doing it, I was coerced. I had a few free hours, so I couldn't really say no. As much as I didn't want to do it, it does look good on resumes, and gives me double-bitching privileges. I voted, and I volunteered my time to the election, you will listen to me whine about politicians.

Basically, the Coalition's goal was to get as many students to the polls as possible. A noble aim, for sure. In the months leading up to the election, they helped students register to vote, and on Tuesday, called those who registered with them to remind them to vote, and answer any questions.

Now, I am not a member of this group, but I decided to help out anyway. I made some calls and ate some free pizza. The pizza was cold.

Before I continue, I'll have to explain a little bit about how this whole procedure worked. Anyone living on campus voted at one of two centrally located polling stations. Not very confusing. If they had any questions, it was as easy as "Where do you live? Okay, you vote here." No big deal. The problem is that in the University of Pittsburgh, there is a massive housing shortage. Many students live in a place known as South Oakland. It's like a college town ghetto, a keg on every porch, a loud party every night, the rivers run with Pabst Blue Ribbon and bong water. There were several locations where South Oakland residents might vote, but none of them were on campus.

In order to aid us in contacting these South Oakland residents and getting them to the polls, volunteers were sent to the South Oakland polling stations to check our lists against their lists. That way, we only had to call those we know had not yet voted.

This seemed a little odd to me, but if I had to say "I'm just calling to remind you that today is election day and the polls close at 8PM. Do you have any questions?" one more time, I was going to chew off my hand, so I could no longer dial the numbers and would be excused. Fortunately, I was sent to help check the lists. A member of the Student Vote Coalition, we'll call him Furious Kingfisher, was in charge of the operation, I was just the help. I assumed, and still just assume, that the Coalition had thought through all the legal issues and whatnot, so I decided to just go with the flow.

We arrived at the polling place, a fire hall/senior citizen's center, and walked in. We had trouble right off the bat, as we were expecting to be given the lists with no problem. Earlier that day, other volunteers were sent to do the same thing, and had no difficulty. Trying to appease us with just the total number of voters, the workers there were rather hostile to the idea of giving us the list. Now, it sounded a little strange to me as well, but voting records (that is, the list of people who have voted, not party affiliation or actual vote) are public records, and I certainly don't know anything about election day protocol.

I knew this guy was going to be trouble as soon as he stepped in the room. He was about 5'6'', and pretty hefty. He was wearing a black sweater with a small label stuck to it reading "Election Judge." He had extremely thick glasses and spoke in a high voice.

"You can't have those lists!" he shouted as he waddled over. Waddling in such a way that suggested he was ready to fight someone. I'm still trying to figure out his motivation. Maybe he was just a hard-ass, and wanted to flex his muscles as election judge. Perhaps he suspected us of partisan vote-getting tactics. (A sticky situation, to be honest. While we never asked party affiliation, and it played no part whatsoever in our efforts, we all know which major party is helped by college voter turnout.) It's also possible he was just acting the crotchety old jerk that he is.

We argued for a while, then called our superiors, and they argued with him on the phone. When it became clear that we were not going to get those lists, Furious got a little, well, furious. I believe his exact words were, "This is fucking bullshit! You're trying to disenfranchise these voters!" To which the judge responded,

"I'm calling the police!"

We figured that was the best time to make our exit. We eventually found out that we were supposed to get the lists from another polling station in the same building. The workers there were quite helpful. We never did see the judge again, although we could hear him from the second polling station and planned an escape route should he burst through the door, officers in tow.

I realize my posts have been rather political lately, but what can I do? When you've got your finger on the pulse of American culture, you have to call in the crash cart. I'd like to wrap up my Election 2006 coverage with some final thoughts on the Pennsylvania races.

Governor Ed Rendell (D) over Lynn Swann (R): Rendell is a politician, so I don't trust him as far as I can throw him, but I don't find him to be downright evil. Swann, on the other hand would have been a bad choice. He won a few Super Bowls for the legendary Pittsburgh Steelers team of yore, and was clearly running on that name recognition. Rendell, at least has some good ideas. He helped bring a high-tech wind power manufacturing plant to my hometown of Ebensburg. I never thought Ebensburg would have a high-tech anything. IPods break down when you drive through. Whenever I open my laptop within city limits, it's inexplicably running Windows ME. We could do worse than Ed Rendell.

Bob Casey Jr. (D, sort of) over Senator Rick Santorum (R for religion): My thoughts on this race are already documented here, so I won't go into details. At least we're no longer represented by Santorum. Fade away, you crazy asshole.

Jason Altmire (D) over Representative Melissa Hart (R): My chief regret with this race is that Hart didn't freak out. After the AP called the election for Altmire, the local news guy at Hart's headquarters asked her if she would concede. She started whining about receiving no results from some little district somewhere, and she looked pretty pissed off. Unfortunately, ten minutes later, she conceded. I had really hoped someone would fail to step down gracefully. Otherwise, why bother having all that live coverage?

There it is, PA has done their part to balance the federal government. I didn't do my part, of course, but I was hoping things would work out this way. At least now, the government can stop running our lives and get back to fighting amongst themselves. That just about does it for me. The 2006 midterm elections are over. This is Crippled Vulture signing off.

Voting? That's so Twentieth Century

As I write this, the United States is preparing for the next MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN HISTORY. This time, it's bigger and more importanter than that last one with what's-his-name... You know who I'm talking about. A week from today, the country will vote, and the stakes are high. If the Republicans remain in control of Congress, we will likely continue to spiral down into violence, environmental devastation and economic hardship. However, if compassionate, intelligent folks can "get out the vote" and put the Democrats in power... They'll probably thank them for the access to all those bribes and then proceed to do their part to bring human civilization to its ugly and brutal conclusion.

A common misconception about Karl Marx is that he hated capitalism and thought communism was the be all and end all to human society. The ratio of people who talk about Marx as if they've read him to those who have actually read him still stands at about 20 to 1. Marx praised capitalism as a necessary step forward in humanity's social progress. Who can seriously argue that capitalism is worse than pure iron fist despotism or feudalism? Marx was simply pointing out the inherent flaws and encouraging us to learn from our mistakes and evolve. Nowadays, he's just conservative talk radio's favorite effigy (excluding Bill Clinton, of course) when they're in the mood for burning something.

I didn't really set out to talk about Karl Marx, here. Bear with me. Here in Pennsylvania, we have a Senator named Rick Santorum. Rick Santorum is a crazy person. Aside from being the worst kind of religious nut (the kind in government), he is also a ranking republican senator and thus wields considerable influence. How could the democrats possibly take down a powerful member of the establishment like Rick Santorum?

There is only one feature a candidate can use to overcome such odds. Intelligent, progressive ideas? Nope. A critical approach to American government and society? Get serious. Good looks and a winning smile? Getting warmer.

Name Recognition.

Rick Santorum's opponent is a man named Bob Casey (Jr). Fellow Pennsylvanians will recall his father, Bob Casey, former governor of our humble commonwealth, and that's exactly what they're counting on. You see, Casey (Jr) is in favor of overturning Roe v. Wade. He supports the war in Iraq (albeit he is in favor of changing strategy, whatever that means). He is against legalizing same-sex marriage and even allowing same-sex couples to adopt children. Basically, in a week's time, we'll have to decide between one guy we know is a jerk and another guy who says he is, but hasn't proven it yet.

Democrats in Pennsylvania, particularly social progressives, have been sold out big time. The whole point of ousting Santorum would be to get rid of his ilk. Contrary to what these men may believe, there are some of us who feel that the government does not have the right to interfere with our personal lives.

Since I never trusted them to begin with, I don't feel like I've been kidnapped, raped and beaten and left in an alley with my kidney missing (politically), but that's how people should feel. I'm talking specifically about all the people two years ago waving "Kerry Edwards" signs with a rainbow pattern on them. The folks who thought that the democrats were the party that really wants social equality. Come on, man. As long as you're outnumbered by old people and hicks, they're not going to lift a finger to help.

Don't get me wrong. I'd rather the democrats win. As long as there is opposition in Washington (base, petty, partisan opposition being better than none at all) then we can avoid going too far down either road. Government works best when it's not working at all.

Marx was always hesitant to lay out a plan for the future. He disdained utopian thinking. He saw human civilization as always changing, evolving, learning from the mistakes of past systems and trying to do a better job next time. This kind of social dynamism is precisely what we could use right now. Like Marx, I don't know exactly what the future will look like, but I do know we could certainly use a clean slate right about now. When the two philosophical arms of the government are running the exact same candidate, something is very wrong.

There's nothing I'd like more than to see Rick Santorum filling out lobbying job applications after this election, but I'm afraid Casey's just not good enough for me. I proudly "threw my vote away" to Ralph Nader in 2004. I did this because he was the candidate I actually wanted to see in the white house. I won't vote for the lesser of two evils, especially in a case like this where the lesser is only slightly less evil.

I don't have a solution for this problem. Well, I do, but I don't want the government to make me disappear and water board me for the next ten years without charging me with anything (which they can do now!), so we'll leave those thoughts in my head where they belong.